When Other People Are Being Difficult

You might have the best intentions with your day to get something accomplished, be upbeat and calm, or support your team, but other people can derail your efforts, leaving you frustrated, impatient and behind.

When someone is not delivering on their end and you are left to pick up the pieces so you can meet a deadline, adding more to your plate and longer hours.

When a manager or employee is hard to work with. They don’t ‘get’ what’s really going on and you don’t feel heard. You seem to have the same conversations over and over again.

Or when you feel like you're always putting other people’s needs before your own because you don’t know how to say no or offer feedback (without them getting upset).

They are not being accountable or not being a good leader or not doing what they say they will, and it reduces your confidence in them or even your company.

It can often feel like you have done everything you can in a situation, and if the ‘other person’ would just change (or even go away) it would all be better.

That’s the paradox of your problem. It’s when you fall into the trap believing that, in order for things to get better, the ‘other person’ has to change.

For one thing, when you are frustrated, you more easily fall into the trap of telling, blaming, complaining and arguing which simply doesn’t work when it comes to influencing others and keeps you from the very outcomes that you want.

Sure, sometimes you can leave the person or situation. More often than not, though, you need to work or interact with them.

So, if you really want to end your frustration and have more influence, it comes down to changing up your approach.

While you might not be able to control what’s happening to you, you always have a choice over how you view and respond.

When you change your approach, you stop giving away your power to let someone else ruin your day, you show up as a stronger leader by focusing on how to influence the situation instead of complaining about it, and at the very least you feel a lot better.

Here are 7 ways you can better view and respond, and change up how you are being in the relationship, even with a difficult colleague or manager, and even if you feel you've tried everything or think "they always let me down, so I'm sure it will happen again!".

1.Give people the benefit of the doubt (even when they aren’t making a good impression).

Most people aren't intentionally trying to be difficult. They’re likely struggling too when they're not putting forward their best. When you give people the benefit of the doubt (even if they're not showing up well) it changes how you show up in that conversation.

You’ll be more patient and kinder. You put your attention on making the situation better. You enable trust and compassion. And, you don't carry around all that added stress with you.

“All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best.” – Brene Brown

2. Acknowledge what’s good.

People respond to acknowledgment and trust. It's human nature. So whether it’s the edgy nature of a toxic colleague or even a family member you wish to soften, there’s only one way to do it.

Every day, find at least one thing they do well and tell them. It's counterintuitive and it makes such a huge difference.

Besides, the more you focus on how someone is frustrating you and everything they are doing wrong, the more that person will frustrate you and you'll notice all the things they are doing wrong. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So start to look for what’s good and what they are doing well – it’s there – and acknowledge them for it. It changes both of you. (People resist this one. Try it yourself and see the difference.)

3. Show compassion.

This ties with giving the benefit of the doubt. Be kind to people, even if they are difficult.

When you show kindness, caring, and a willingness to help others, you're showing compassion. This has to do with being thoughtful and decent, and you are absolutely capable of giving this to others.

4. Give up your need to be right.

You might feel like your opinion is the right one, but the other person likely feels exactly the same about their opinion.

When you give up your need to be right, you'll listen better and can better understand the other person's perspective, you'll be in a more positive mindset and you'll feel less stressed.

5. Be curious and caring.

When you approach a conversation with the person by asking more questions to find out what’s really going on and be more caring instead of frustrated, you have far more influence and people are far more likely to listen to what you have to say.

There will be disagreements and different opinions. People see situations differently. So take the time to be curious and find out what’s really going on.

6. Listen. For real.

Truly listening to others is a seemingly lost skill for many people today. When you are in a meeting, notice how many people are looking at their phones, looking out the window, or talking to someone else.

This especially happens when you are annoyed or disregard what someone else has to say. You tune out when you are frustrated with someone, so instead, be present, listen and give the other person your full attention.

7. Give what you want to get.

Finally, give what you want to get. Want respect? Be willing to give it. Want the person to listen? You had better be willing to listen to them. Want someone to value you? Value them back. Model the behaviors you want to see.

We attract what we put out, so start giving what you want to get and you’ll experience it more. If you want it to feel valued, then you have to value the person across the table and be willing to listen to what they have to say. It goes both ways.

*****

When you change your approach, it changes how you show up in the relationship. You’ll communicate better. You’ll have more influence.

You go into a conversation with patience and a positive frame of mind. And, people are more open to what you have to say and listen to you. You are far more likely to achieve the outcomes you want.

At the very least, you’ll feel a whole lot better and let go of some of that stress.

Still not convinced about changing your approach?

Reflect on how you respond when someone isn’t giving you the benefit of the doubt, acknowledging what’s good, showing you compassion or being curious with you? You likely don’t respond well. They are the same.

A relationship can change with just one person. Yes, it’s possible!

So, the next time you find a person to be challenging (it will happen) put some of these in practice and see for yourself the difference.