What Makes You Mad Might Just Be The Key to Your Success

The problem with most busy leaders and high-achievers who want more balance in their life is that they are waiting for external circumstances to change instead of driving it internally. Instead of being a leader, they are being led and don’t even realize it.

This was me for many years and it impacted my ability to show up as effective, present and productive as I am today. Instead of being proactive, I used to:

- Answer emails, texts, and work well after 5PM most evenings (and weekends!)
- Check my emails non-stop and let everyone else’s requests dictate my day
- Schedule meetings back-to back and not leave time to actually get my work done
- Wake up feeling anxious and overwhelmed with all that was on my plate
- Having very little energy and patience left for my family at the end of the day

I thought I was doing what was needed of me, but realized I was creating a career and rest of life that was not me actually me showing up as the leader I wanted to be.

I wasn’t showing up as my best self anywhere and lost a bit of who I was in the process.

Looking back, I had convinced myself for way too long that I was doing it the only way it could be done. I now know better.

What helped? Putting strong boundaries in place.

In my last blog, I shared how a lack of boundaries prevents you from truly being the best leader possible.

One who is seen and heard, with the courage to focus on what’s important – not just what’s urgent – to move your organization forward while empowering your team to step up.

Why boundaries?

You are likely facing overwhelming pressure every single day.

When people are emailing you at all hours stealing your time and attention. When you are continually asked to do more with less. When you feel like you can barely keep up with it all and find you are running out of steam.

When you have a hard time saying "no" because you don't want to let anyone down.

But, your time and energy are precious. Especially right now with all the uncertainty and fatigue, people are feeling.

Boundaries force you to get clear on what’s important and let go of what isn’t. You take away the option of doing it all or being everything for everyone.

People intuitively know boundaries are needed, but often don’t put them in place or actually stick to them.

Sometimes we need to feel a threat to make real change, as odd as that might sound.

Here’s the key: your "why" for a boundary must be important enough to YOU to be worth it.

Take some time to figure out what's important to you.

One of the most powerful questions I ask my clients to help them figure out their boundaries is . . .

What makes you really mad? What triggers you in your day?  

This is likely letting you know when a value is being hit! You are judging something or something for not aligning with your values and what's important to you.

It can be the guide to where you need to put a boundary in place. This is what is at stake for you if you don't!

I was coaching a client a few weeks ago who told me that she hates when she doesn’t feel accomplished in a day.

This leaves her beating herself up, frustrated with others for derailing her day, and feeling behind. It was also a key insight into her personal values.  

Yes, we all feel this at times, but for this client, it was something that resonated deeply. She values a sense of accomplishment.

When she creates space in her day to get the things done that are important (not just urgent), and doesn’t let people steal all her time, she feels far more calm and productive.

A stronger boundary during her workday to give herself two hours of uninterrupted, focus time (no meetings or distractions!) no longer means to her that she is selfish.

Instead, it is a boundary that allows her to accomplish what she needs to get done and feel good throughout the day. She's sticking to it now because she knows it's key to her success.

For me, it was the too-often yelling and fighting with my husband and kids that drove me to stop working 60, 70, sometimes 80 hours each week.

I was not being the person I wanted to be for my family. My personal value of family was being threatened. This still guides me today.

The awesome thing is we both performed better, are more focused on what really matters, and protecting our time and energy so can show up as the leader we wanted to be.

So, what makes you really mad? What triggers you? What value is being threatened?

Then figure out where you might need a boundary to help you avoid that feeling and honor your values. Connect it with what is important to you that's at stake.

You can avoid a lot of unnecessary conflicts and you’ll lead even stronger when you do!

What Next?

You can sign up for Stacey's masterclass, The Confident "No" here.

Stacey L. Olson is a Leadership and Certified Positive Psychology Coach, has 15 years of corporate experience and has gone through her own transformational change from burning out to balanced in life while performing at a high level (both in her corporate career and own business). She works with professionals who want to work less, live more and be their best even with all the demands, high expectations and messiness of everyday life. Stacey is the founder of The Balanced Leader™ program and offers executive and leadership coaching, workshops, and speaking.