How You Can Say No Gracefully

When demands for our time and attention – even opportunities – mount faster than our ability to keep up, feelings of control are often the first to go . . . especially when we try to tackle too much at once.

As hard as it is to say no to something or someone, failing to do so can cause us to miss out on something far more important or get pulled in too many directions and spread thin.

Have you ever felt a tension between what you felt was best and what someone was pressuring you to do? Have you ever said yes to avoid conflict or letting someone down? Have you ever felt like you had two awesome opportunities yet you knew you will feel overloaded if take on both?

Likely. We all do this on some level, whether it’s a new project at work or an evening out with friends or family.

People who have difficulty saying no experience higher stress levels.

When we get too wrapped up in meeting other peoples’ needs, we don’t leave time for ourselves or what’s most important.

And, with so many options and opportunities these days, it’s easy to get overloaded and more important than ever to practice the art of saying “no“.

People are simply more effective when they can learn to say no. You can make real trade-offs and tough decisions rather than doing it all.

A great practice: If it’s a big YES, go for it . . . anything else is a no.

That’s great and all . . . the question people struggle with is “How do I say no?”

You can learn to say no gracefully and respectfully. And while a straight up “no” is a direct way to say things (and can be the right approach at times), there are other ways to deliver your no that can help it be better received by the other person.

Here are some different ways you can approach saying “no” gracefully.

Shift your mindset. Think of it as making the wisest investment of your time and energy in order to operate at your best and highest value contribution. It can be empowering and courageous.

Separate the decision from the relationship. Just because you are saying no to a project or invitation, does not mean you are disrespecting the person asking. Keep the decision separate from the person.

Say “Yes, and” . . . i.e. when your Manager presents an opportunity: “Yes, I can do that, and what should I prioritize . . . or what comes off the list?” Avoid saying“yes, but” which closes down the options.

You don’t actually have to say the word “no“ i.e. “I would very much like to, and I am overcommitted so I’m not able to take on . . . ”

Focus on the trade-off. i.e. This is one of my favorites. “I can do X or Y, which is more important to you?” This is a great one with your manager and conflicting priorities.

Share WHY – make sure they know why and your reasons i.e. “I would love to take on this opportunity, and it also would conflict with time I have for . . .”

Give an alternative – “No, I’m not available tomorrow . . . I can free up time next week, does that work?”

Pause and create space to better respond. This is a great one if your knee-jerk is to always say yes. Try “let me check my calendar and get back to you . . .” (and then get back to them).

Have a positive tone. Tone and emotion has a significant effect on how a message is received. Display positive emotions, such as being friendly, smiling, being genuine and inviting instead of being aggressive, insistent, frustrated or negative.

Positivity broadens people to ideas and options, and negativity narrows vision and propels people into “flight or flight” mode.

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Overall, it helps when you think about what you are giving up when you say yes to someone, and that can make it easier to say no. I’m a recovering people-pleaser and thinking of it this way definitely makes it easier to have the courage to say “no” more.

Taking action

What is something recent that you said yes to that you wished you had actually said no? How could you handle that situation differently next time? Come up with a game plan for next time to start practicing the art of saying “no” more.

Do you have a favorite tip above or a different one to share? I’d love to hear to add to this list. Please share in the comments!

What Next?

You can sign up for Stacey's masterclass, The Confident "No" here.

Stacey L. Olson is a Leadership and Certified Positive Psychology Coach, has 15 years of corporate experience and has gone through her own transformational change from burning out to balanced in life while performing at a high level (both in her corporate career and own business). She works with professionals who want to work less, live more and be their best even with all the demands, high expectations and messiness of everyday life. Stacey is the founder of The Balanced Leader™ program and offers executive and leadership coaching, workshops, and speaking.