Feel Confidence On Demand (Especially When You're Doubting Yourself)

This past weekend we were at a big family golf tournament. For the first time, all the kids – from 6 to 14 years old – played too, even in the pouring rain!

Carter who is 11, has gone out a few times before and is really starting to love golf. Emmett, on the other hand, doesn’t care much about the game. But getting to drive a golf cart? Now that’s exciting!

Each kid had experiences this weekend that reminded me just what a difference your confidence can make in how you perform in a situation, and ultimately how much you enjoy the experience and are willing to keep going.

Confidence is 100% something you have control over. It’s not just for a chosen few or only available to you in certain situations.

It’s a choice you can make in how you think about yourself in any moment.

Now with Carter, to build up his confidence with the game, my husband let him tee up on the fairway, re-hit whenever a tee shot went in the bushes and praised him when the shots went well.

And when a shot didn’t go well? Encouragement that he was giving it a try, to keep going and that he will get better with practice.

He got disapproving looks from some of the “real golfers” (especially teeing up on the fairway, since “that’s not how golf is played after all!”). We get that. And will, over time, work towards playing the game the right way.

But by teaching one or two things at a time, and focusing on what he did do well, he’s more likely to stay with it and keep learning the game.

When Carter was feeling more confident, he played better and enjoyed the experience a whole lot more – even when the shots didn’t go well.

Some of the others kids you see playing with their parents? Their games often get worse as the round goes on, because dad/mom/grandpa grows frustrated with them for not doing a good job. It’s not a coincidence!

Now, Emmett, who just turned 9, was interested in improving his driving skill (the golf cart that is 😉).

When he felt confident, he did a great job driving.

BUT, as soon as something didn’t go the way he expected . . . he missed a turn, or the cart started slipping because it was raining out, he would panic and begin doubting himself.

The more panicked he got, the worse his driving became.  Or he would freeze and just not do anything (I was beside him the whole time so all safe).

“I can’t do it, I’m not good at this, I want to quit,” would all come out of his mouth each time this happened.

His confidence plummeted in those moments.

And I would remind him that he has driven well before (only two minutes ago!), that he does a better job when he’s calm, and to focus on feeling confident. And he got better and better at it.

This mirrors what happens with so many leaders -- they feel confident when things are going well, but as soon as things go off track, they go into a tailspin doubting themselves, and make things harder than it needs to be.

When you feel overwhelmed with everything to do, and instead of getting the task done, you’re unfocused and almost paralyzed, and it takes much longer to complete.

 “I am not good enough. I’m not cut out for this. I can’t do it”. You spend more time focused on everything you think you're doing wrong and your weaknesses, and think these are flaws you have to fix, which consumes a lot of unnecessary effort.

Or you feel confident about an upcoming presentation, but as it gets closer the more you start to doubt yourself. What will they think of me? What if I forget what I want to say? What if I say something stupid?

You put all your focus on the negative thoughts and how things could go wrong, and you miss the opportunity in the moment to focus your attention on what you want and how things can go well.

People think confidence is something either you have it or you don’t. Yet, you can have confidence on demand. You are far more awesome than you might realize.

You don’t have to wait until you do something over and over again. Yes, confidence grows the more you do something, but it’s also how you think about yourself that can lead to you feeling confident going in or stressing out.

And, your thoughts directly influence the actions you take and outcomes you get.

 “Your chances of success in any undertaking can always be measured by your belief in yourself.” – Robert Collier

Here’s what you can do to feel more confident on demand every day and especially in those times you are doubting yourself:

1. Focus on your strengths to create ease

With Carter, we spent far more time focused on what he was doing well than what wasn’t going well.

Focusing on what you think you did wrong or your weaknesses is often the default approach taken when dealing with people, performance and, for many, how we see ourselves. 

Strengths, however, are where your greatest successes come from, where you are truly at your best and where you can experience the most growth.

There is a huge misconception that fixing your weaknesses is what actually will move you forward.

Weaknesses or areas for improvement or shortcomings (whatever you want to call them) must be overcome if it’s a skill that’s necessary to achieve your goals, but that will not actually move you forward and lead you to excel, professionally or personally.

Your strengths are what give you the forward momentum to enjoy what you do, perform at your best, be successful and achieve your goals.

So what are you really good at? What comes natural to you? What feels easy for you (that maybe harder for others)? Put your focus there for a change to leverage and develop your strengths more.

You can even leverage your strengths to overcome your challenges. What strength can you leverage in a challenging situation to feel more confident?

It's typically a strength when it feels authentic, gives you energy and motivates you from within.

2. Ask yourself better questions to get in a more confident frame of mind.

Have you ever felt so confident about something and then, the very next moment, you doubt everything? It’s your mind that changed everything!

I told Emmett over and over, when he panicked driving the cart to focus on the cart path and where you want to go, not on the tree you might hit. Same goes for you.

Because this is all your mindset. What you focus on you experience even more – worry about something? You’ll feel even more anxious. Focus on feeling more confident, you’ll feel more confident. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, whether you’re feeling overwhelmed with your to-do list, nervous about an upcoming presentation or beating yourself up about a meeting that didn’t go well, shift your focus to more empowering thoughts to feel more confident.

Ask yourself better questions. What am I good at? What value do I bring? What’s a better way to see this? What can I do? What’s the opportunity for me?

When panic or doubts set in, the more you focus on that, the more you will experience it. So you just move your attention and focus, and ask yourself better questions to start.

You can feel more confident and resilient in the moment by shifting your thoughts and beliefs, which ultimately influence your outcomes.

3. Remind yourself of a time in the past you did something and it went well.

 Reflect on a past experience you did do a good job, when you did something challenging and it went well or even when you thought something would go terribly, but it all worked out. Remind yourself you are absolutely capable.

Keep a list of your accomplishments, positive feedback from others, when things go well. You can refer back to that list anytime you aren’t feeling as confident for a boost. Remind yourself why you are good at something. Whether it was a year ago, a month ago or one minute ago.

So when Emmett panicked, we would go back to remember, just two minutes ago remember when you drove well? Let’s focus on that!

What helped you to do a good job in that situation? What strengths were you using? What were you thinking and feeling? Tap into this to tackle the challenge at hand.

Finally, know that know there are always times when you’ll doubt yourself . . . it’s completely normal.

There's a “messy middle” with most things. You start excited on a project or task, run into challenges and things feel hard, and you question yourself, and then you come out on the other side stronger than ever. So don’t get paralyzed by it, keep growing and pushing forward.

You likely won’t knock it out of the park the first time and you will face challenges. And you get better (and better) with experience.

So whether you want to feel more confident or you want to help someone feel more confident, this is something you can choose to feel in any moment by changing your perspective on the situation.

And if you’re really stuck doing this and not feeling confident, instead focus on being courageous and brave to do it anyways 😉.

All the best, 

What Next?

You can sign up for Stacey's masterclass, The Confident "No" here.

Stacey L. Olson is a Leadership and Certified Positive Psychology Coach, has 15 years of corporate experience and has gone through her own transformational change from burning out to balanced in life while performing at a high level (both in her corporate career and own business). She works with professionals who want to work less, live more and be their best even with all the demands, high expectations and messiness of everyday life. Stacey is the founder of The Balanced Leader™ program and offers executive and leadership coaching, workshops, and speaking.